The Art of the Graceful Break-Up

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Breaking up is just ass, always. The worst thing is you suddenly start feeling like the world is over and you think back on this relationship that maybe you wanted out of anyways and you start thinking that this guy you were with was the greatest thing since sliced bread (that’s a really weird expression if you think about it…).

A friend of mine said to me once that she thought it was funny how you break up with someone and you think you’ll never find anyone even close to that good again, but then you always do find someone better and you forget about the guy who came before. Smart girl.

I’ve had my fair share of relationships, and due to the fact that I am currently single you can conclude that this also means my fair share of break-ups. In fact, friends have started coming to me constantly for advice and guidance – or at least motivational quotes. Apparently I’ve become some sort of break-up guru in their eyes (jury is still out on whether or not this is actually a good thing…).

I’ve read all the books, magazine articles, and other blog posts on the topic and synthesized all of my research here for you. This is my complete compilation of advice on how to endure a break-up with grace and class…

1) Get Fit

192951165255444239_pL5j0V9e_cYou got dumped, what better way to make him see what he’s missing than looking totally bomb? I took my Christmas $$ and invested in a new pair of Nike running shoes – it doesn’t have to be just working out…get a hair cut or color (in high school I pierced things – probably don’t do this), get a spray tan, get your nails done, start a diet – just do something to make yourself better. You’ll see the improvement and feel over your ex faster when your self-esteem sky rockets. If nothing else its a great distraction!

Many of us tend to neglect our hot bods in relationships and a break-up is the right time to change that. Working out can be a social activity too, which again is a great distraction and also gives you a chance to catch up with friends (see #5) or even meet new people. Trust me on this, as good as that cookie dough tastes its going to feel even better when you run into your ex and you look 10x better than you did when you dated him. Revenge + Health = Win.

2) Don’t Call147915168982669216_LPOtIkPa_c

This is probably some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten in my life – and it applies to facebook, email, and
all other forms of communication as well! Do not contact him (or respond to any of his attempts) for at least 60 days, by the time the 60 days are up I can almost guarantee you won’t even have the urge to get in touch anyways. Its ridiculously empowering to look back and realize you went 2 months without him, that you stayed strong and didn’t need him and you send him a very powerful message about just how capable you are of moving on.

Has calling your ex in tears sobbing, begging to take you back ever made you feel better? It usually just makes me feel weak, pathetic, and doubles my pain because he has now rejected me twice. Seriously, go with me on this one cut him out! I change the names of ex-boyfriends in my address book to aid in motivating me through this process, here are some of the more creative replacements my girlfriends and I have come up with/used in the past:

  • You’re Kidding Me Right?
  • He Doesn’t Want You.
  • Don’t Even
  • HE DUMPED YOU REMEMBER

The thing is, he doesn’t want to hear from you…you dumped you and in doing so he was saying, “I would like for you to no long be in my life in any way”. This should be some damn good motivation to never waste another second of your time trying to get ahold of him or get his attention. Buh-Bye Loser.

3) Stay Busy

Take a class, learn a new skill, workout, cook more, just DO SOMETHING and for God’s sake please don’t pull a Bella Swan (Twilight reference everybody, stay with me) and just sit around doing nothing 154529830935949664_cCNnSrnm_chaving nightmares.

I understand the temptation to curl into a ball and just cry -and this is acceptable behavior for the first couple of days, but then you’ve gotta sack up and do shit with your life.

Take this as an opportunity to do all the things you were too busy to do when you had a boyfriend. The busier you are the less down time you have to think about whats-his-name and the less you will dwell. After one break up, I taught myself how to make jewelry ūüôā

4) Don’t Be Crazy…

and BACK OFF!! Occasionally (please don’t bank on this though…) all a guy needs to realize how happy he is with you is some space anyways! But for real, back off and please do not do anything crazy. Crazy things you should refrain from include, but are not limited to:

  • Hacking his email/voicemail/facebook/twitter
  • Destroying his personal property
  • Spreading malicious rumors
  • Doing anything aggressive or spiteful his new girlfriend or that random girl at the bar who is literally just talking to him

141441244516771341_59rUso0i_cYou also need to back off his friends. I don’t care if they’re your bffs now, too – they started as his they end as his besides I don’t genuinely believe guys and girls are capable of platonic relationships. Anyways, I dated a guy once and my world basically revolved around him and thus his roommates became like family to me. Plus I spent so much time at his house I felt like they were my roommates, they would always joke that I should just start paying rent at their house and move in.

Post-breakup you lose all rights to “his friends” and while it made things double painful (losing a bf AND my friends?! woof) its the right thing to do. At the end of the day you must also consider – were you really that close with them, or were you maintaining a relationship with these people as a means of connecting with your ex?

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5) Reconnect

I tend to dive full-force into relationships, often leaving my friends in the dust. Luckily I have the most patient, kind, understanding, beautiful friends in the world and when my relationship goes up in flames they are always waiting in the wings with fire extinguishers, and ice cream. Now is the time to fill your life with your lady friends, you will need them right now!

I even had a “break-up buddy” (a sister who was going through one too) during a particularly difficult break up and we made a deal that every time we wanted to call our exes we would call each other instead, I genuinely don’t know how I would have made it through that time without her.

6) Don’t Romanticize the Past174725660513881465_CWgD3YFo_c

Be honest with yourself about what your relationship was and who your ex is – we often look back at a relationship once its over and we think that it was perfect and great and beautiful and we forget that just last week he did that thing that makes you want to scream again and you were seriously debating ending it yourself….sometimes breakups come out of left field, but most of the time we kind of feel them coming and probably wanted the same thing on some level. Stop glazing over your ex’s faults and short-comings – let the negatives in your relationship be a stepping stone to moving on.

7) Get a Pet 

If you seriously can’t handle being alone, get a pet – I recommend a dog, but I currently have a pet rabbit (Elliot) and they are also incredibly therapeutic, I do not recommend a cat I feel like a cat would make you feel more alone…Seriously, pets have hilarious antics that you can’t help but smile at, they love you unconditionally, they make your bed feel a little smaller, and if nothing else the added responsibility will distract you from whats-his-face.

8) Block Him Out

Delete him from your facebook friends, delete his number (or change it as suggested above!), stop following him on Twitter, do whatever it takes to clear him from your life. Take down all the pictures get rid of ALL his stuff (even that sweatshirt that you swear you’re only keeping because it looks great on you204843483021500898_HKFRdDfn_c and its super comfy). Detox him out of your life, this is a must! How can you ever move on when there are constant reminders of him everywhere? Facebook is particularly hard because there’s no good way to get rid of him completely.

A girl once blocked both me and my now ex but then boyfriend on fb and at the time I thought she was dramatic and annoying, until I broke up with this same boy and I realized how clever his ex had been to just block us both. It is emotional torture to see pictures, statuses, check-ins, etc from your ex that just prove he is doing fine and moving on without you. The moment he gets a new gf feels like getting pushed off a cliff into a pit of knives (graphic, I know) and you really don’t need to subject yourself to seeing pictures of them doing the same romantic things you two used to do. No matter what your excuse is for why it will actually help you move on to see them together, you’re wrong it will only hurt and set you back!

9) Rebound (but rebound smart please…)

174584923026338001_58PDpqEi_cCosmo just recently had an article about this as well, the rebound can be a great way to move past your ex if you are smart about it. There are a few general rules I like to adhere to when rebounding from an ex:

  • DO NOT REBOUND UNTIL YOU ARE READY otherwise it will only make it feel worse, don’t force yourself to get with another guy just to “move on” you’ll only set yourself back¬†
  • Do not rebound to get revenge or make your ex jealous
  • Don’t rebound with friends of your ex
  • Do choose a hot guy who you love flirting with
  • Don’t have expectations of a relationship developing from a rebound
  • Do choose someone you feel comfortable with

10) Make a Happy List

This may seem cheesy and cliche, but its gotten me through some dark moments – make a list of everything you’re grateful for or all the things that make you happy about your life right now. Writing it 107030928614476823_AyMwH8Cr_call down, looking at all these little things all piled together really shifts your perspective from “my life as I know it is ending” to “oh, I guess I will survive this after all”. You will do more than survive, you will thrive. Think of all the things you’ve learned from past relationships and all the things that would never have happened if you were still with your first boyfriend, now imagine all the things your last boyfriend could’ve been holding you back from. Now go move mountains.

Stellar Break-Up Books: 

  • Its Called a Break Up Because Its Broken –¬†Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt
  • He’s Just Not That Into You – Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
  • Have Him at Hello – Rachel Greenwald
  • The Between Boyfriends Book (this book is hilarious, and refreshing – she strays from the “tough love” approach to moving on and discusses the balance between being independent while remaining open to love) –¬†Cindy Chupack
  • Eat, Pray, Love (full of genius quotes and stories that will give you a whole new perspective on your love life) – Liz Gilbert

Break-Up Playlist Essential Songs:

(Warning: this is a mix of sad, angry, and empowering!)

  • A Little Bit Stronger – Sarah Evans
  • Ring the Alarm – Beyonce
  • Single – Natasha Bedingfield
  • Irreplaceable – Beyonce
  • Be Mine – Ellie Goulding Ft. Eric Hassle
  • Between the Lines – Sara Bareilles
  • Somebody That I Used to Know – Gotye
  • Fix You – Coldplay
  • Pinball Wizard – The Who (don’t ask…)
  • Consider Me Gone – Reba
  • Best Thing I Never Had – Beyonce
  • Unwritten – Natasha Bedingfield
  • Think of Me – Rosi Golan
  • The Heart of the Matter – India Arie
  • Til Kingdom Come – Coldplay
  • Let My Love Open the Door – Pete Townshend
  • We Owned the Night – Lady Antebellum
  • Good Life – OneRepublic
  • Love, Save the Empty – Erin McCarley
  • Near to You – A Fine Frenzy
  • Not Over You – Gavin DeGraw
  • Over You – Daughtry
  • Feel Again – OneRepublic
  • Don’t You Worry Child – Swedish House Mafia
  • Always – Blink 182
  • A Drop In the Ocean – The District
  • Fotograf√≠a – Juanes ft. Nelly Furtado
  • Begin Again – Taylor Swift

Motivating Quotes:

(For when you’re too lazy to read the whole book)

“The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said, “No, thanks. I’ll try my luck elsewhere.”

-Its Called a Breakup Because Its Broken

“I would like to state, for the record, that I still believe there‚Äôs a great love out there for each and every one of us. I feel completely confident that none of my amazing single friends will end up alone, and they feel confident I won‚Äôt either.‚ÄĚ

-The Between Boyfriends Book

“This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.‚ÄĚ

-Eat, Pray, Love

“Every moment of pain, weakness, and discomfort puts you in a position to choose how you will react and how you will alleviate your condition.”

-Its Called a Breakup Because Its Broken

“Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself.”

-Its Called a Breakup Because Its Broken

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it…If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universes wil do with the doorway? It will rush in”

-Eat, Pray, Love

“We’ve been told to indulge ourselves…so we do all that. We’re happy with our lives. We’re whole. But taken to its extreme “whole” doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for anybody else…For example I reclaimed the center of the bed because I realized that sleeping on “my side” implied I was waiting for a guy to fill the other half. Again, good for me, not so good for my future husband. Who I’m not waiting for…Is it possible to find a mate who fits into our very full lives as nicely as the answers fit into a crossword puzzle or do we need to learn to leave a little more wiggle room? Skip a spin class for someone. Switch sides of the bed. See what happens when you leave some spaces blank

-The Between Boyfriends Book

“Awesome thought: The right guy is out there right now, wondering when he’s going meet someone just like you.”

-Its Called a Breakup Because Its Broken

Some Exciting Things to Giggle At and Distract You: 

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Freshman Year – Crash Course…

So while making jewelry and blogging about random happenings may be one of my “jobs” I am also pursuing my teaching credential AND I worked for the last four years as a peer/civic mentor for University 101 a class run by the First Year Experience office at my college campus. Basically, I helped freshman transition into college without having any kind of meltdown. After a year as a freshman myself, and four years working with them (using all research-based approaches) I have some valuable insight I’d like to share with you:

1) Go to class.

I know, you’ve heard it before but seriously GO TO CLASS. Statistics show that just showing up even if you feel like you’re half asleep improves your grade. Professors notice and come finals when you’re freaking out and between a C and B if you made the effort to show up to class they will be so much more willing to take pity and help you.

2) Put your lanyard away 

I realize this is how you are storing your dorm key, but for God’s sake take it off in class and between class and PLEASE do not wear it out at night you might as well wear a neon sign saying FRESHMAN. Nothing gives you away quicker than a CA STATE Lanyard

3) Moderation 

When I go out and give talks to freshman classes I never stand up there and preach to them about the dangers of going out too much and how having a social life is not important you’re here to learn blah blah blah….because that would be hypocritical. I have done my fair share of “socializing” and I still maintained a high GPA.

A GPA high enough to qualify me to graduate with honors and special recognition for the highest GPA in my class (yes I’m bragging, but only because I had a 2.8 in high school so this smart kid stuff is new and exciting). I do however preach moderation. Too much social life and you flunk out and go home and then you’re really lame, not enough social life and you’ll lose it, fast.

4) Organize 

This saved my life. I got a daily planner I brought to class to jot down anything the professor reminded us about and had a larger calendar on the wall in my dorm marked with upcoming large projects like tests and papers so I could spot a particularly rough week coming in advance and prepare myself.

There’s no slack, no room to let things slip through you have to be on top of everything all the time. FYI: your syllabus is your contract with the professor, so if you’re absent whatever is on the syllabus is still your responsibility and they don’t like excuses.

5) Rush

No not like rush through things, rush a frat or sorority! I’m biased because I’m Greek but it’s seriously one of the best decisions I’ve made in college. My sisters changed my life, my sisters saved my life. They have outlasted every boy and every relationship and are my constant through all the crazy.

We have a saying about Greek life “from the outside looking in you can never understand it, from the inside looking out you can never explain it” and it’s so true you can’t really understand the bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood you make in the Greek system, but they are truly unique.

6) You Are Liminal

Okay time to be a research nerd, liminality refers to being “betwixt and between” and in the case of a student moving from high school senior to college freshman they are between identities. Why is this important? Because you have to be aware of the idea that the identity that worked for you in high school may not (and most likely will not) work in college.

Ex: being a class clown, texting in class, acting like you don’t care because you’re afraid to fail, etc. Along with entering college be prepared to shape a new identity because most of your high school practices will get left behind

7) Find Your Niche 

Schools have clubs for EVERYTHING try a few things out and find your niche, find your people because this identity business I mentioned above, well the communities you associate yourself with will  shape those identities. Students who form strong relationships are more successful and more likely to graduate.

8) Depression Peaks at Midterms 

We used to schedule our University 101 class to go over mental health and wellness around this time because studies show it’s when depression peaks. Midterms may be the first time you really see your grades and students who thought they were doing swimmingly find out they are failing and it’s a huge shock.

This is halfway through the semester and homesickness is probably setting in as well. Knowing that you are susceptible to feel particularly down around this time can help you prepare for and combat it

9) Don’t YOLO too Hard….

I get that college is all “OmG YoU oNlY lIvE oNcE” (uh it took me forever to type that…), but this is real life and these things may come back to bite you. “What happened last night will be on facebook tomorrow” is a good way to think of things, I also like the saying “if you don’t want people to know about it, don’t do it”

10) Don’t take it too seriously¬†

I’ve seen more freshman get worked into a frenzy over the smallest things, deal with it one problem at a time and move on you’re going to be okay and your life is not over. Deep breaths….now get out of my way.

Fall 2012 – Back To School Fashion

Okay so heading back to school is never anyone’s favorite event but it can be made way more fun by using it as an excuse to hit the mall and scoop up the hottest fall trends! So what are the fashion experts saying? We’ve been perusing the web to find out!

Glamour Says:

-Red is the new black, adding pops of color to your ensemble is so in for fall

-Black and white contrasting, wearing black and white together is hot, hot, hot!

 Opposing Forces Buttondown $98

 SkinnyRist Mini Cobras $12

-According to glamour.com, “the trendiest shade is pale, slate gray…[it’s] cool neutral…[and] figure flattering”

¬†Isn’t She Peasant Blouse $88SkinnyRist Shady Lady Gray Cobra $20

Elle Says:

-Gold is IN

Michael KorsSkinnyRist She’s Golden Bangle $20

-Oversized is the fashion-forward fit for fall (holy alliteration Batman!)

 Shaggy Knit Pullover $98

 

 

Dare to Wear

Hello Beautiful! Here’s more subtle color with glamorous pops of bangin’ brights. Yum! But SkinnyRist like to be daring and take chances so here are some creative accessory options we would dare to wear with this ensemble:

Be loud, be proud and be daring enough to pair these brilliant brights with any outfit that feels a little too washed out. Stand out, and be you.

Azure Blue Cobra Bangle

Custard Color SkinnyStax 3 Bangle Set

SkinnyMetallix – Gold

Chalk-Dye Your Tips

Me with my chalk-dyed do before the Sigma Nu paint party!

I’ve been seeing tons of pictures online lately of adorable tip-dyed hair, but I’m a bit too conservative to commit to actually using permanent dye…so I discovered using chalk for a temporary, one-night dye via a tutorial from The Beauty Department!

However, after trying this trick a few times I learned a few valuable things that have made this a lot easier and I wanted to share them with you!

Click to link to TBD’s post!

-Just like TBD said, twist your hair while you rub on the chalk because it really does help it release more pigment!

-You may have to buy and try a few colors, I bought a very dark purple that doesn’t show up in my hair at all and a light blue I bought works great

-Hairspray is key!! I spray my ends, then apply the chalk then spray again and then brush out the ends

-Have  a strategy. The first time I did this I applied chalk EVERYWHERE I looked like a spaz, the next time I used only two colors and did every other section of hair and it was a much better result

-Chalk before¬†styling your hair, you have to pull your hair straight so if you’re say, curling it, you’ll ruin your curl. The heat also helps seal the color

Click to link to Dick Blick and buy some for yourself!

-Make sure to comb through the section when you’re done chalking…otherwise the chalk will turn to straight knots and it’s awful

-It pulls out some hair =/. I’ve noticed that when I do comb out the color it pulls out more hair than I normally use from a normal brushing, up to you if that’s a deal-breaker

-Wrap something over your shoulders/clothes while you chalk, it goes EVERYWHERE and gets on your neck/hands/you name it. Good news: it comes off skin really easily with soap and water.

-Try fish-tail braiding or curling your colored locks, it looks really cute and boho-chic

-I bought my chalk from Dick Blick Art Supplies as recommended by TBD, but make sure wherever you buy that you get soft pastels!

Colors Used:

Pink Lake 272, Ultramarine Blue 388, Steel Blue 710, Coral 925, Cobalt Blue 354

Before the Alpha Delta Pi senior bar crawl!